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warning: if you're looking for a spiritual superman, don't read this. it will be far too honest for you.

i hate mediocrity.

i hate complacency.

i hate my apathy.

i hate the feeling that, no matter what my brain and heart know, i have to do something to earn God's love, to deserve any little thing He decides to bless me with.

i hate letting Him down nonetheless.

i hate driving in the nails deeper into His wrists.

i hate it when i settle.

i hate it when people try to turn a complex relationship into a simple formula.

it is so hard for me to find this balance... honestly, i don't ever doubt if God is real. i don't ever doubt that He loves me. i don't doubt if Jesus was all He said He was. but at my deepest part, when i fall short so often, and give it all to Christ again and again and surrender and surrender... i wonder why i can't get it all together for any period of time that matters. it is frustrating. if i'm truly surrendered, why am i falling short? is it still my fault? why did God make us so cracked and broken? i don't have the answers. i'm not truly surrendered.

i hate not having all the answers.

i love not having all the answers.

if we had it all, what would be the point?

i still choose to trust, despite what i feel sometimes. good thing what i feel takes a backseat to what i know in my head and in my heart.

i love knowing.

i love forgiveness.


Anonymous said...

i completely understand everything that you just said. it's like i try so hard to get to that point where i have this amazing and unshakeable closeness with God, but then there is always more. He like creates this unquenchable thirst and i can never be satisfied with our relationship, which is good...but, at the same time, i want to be fully and completely surrendered and dedicated...and no matter what i do it can never be enough, but like u said, if i could, then what would be the point of it all? that's something that i really love about Him. He's so amazingly Huge and deep and just absoltely wonderful, and i don't deserve it at all, yet i try to work for it, to earn it, which i obviously can't, but still i try. it's sorta like that song, idk if u know it, by Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful" ~ "i wanna be beautiful make You stand in awe..." but, how could i make God stand in awe...idk...idk if this even makes sense to you? but, i just felt like i should write, cuz i feel like that a lot, just bewildered and amazed by all that my God is and all that He continually, and undeservedly does for me!

Harrison said...

hey, thanks for commenting. i heard an amazing message from louis giglio, his talk from passion 05. he said that the problem we run into so much is that we view ourselves as just sinners saved by grace.

but louis says that, while technically correct, there is a flaw in this thinking.

we are not just sinners saved by grace, so that every time we sin, we say "oh, i'm just a sinner". we are saints of God! we should view ourselves as saints who are struggling with sin.

by no means am i there, to this way of thinking. but i am trying very hard.

and to think that it is all so undeserved... it's awesome. He is so huge and deep and amazing. we were built with a thirst that only He can fill...

great comment. thank you