Insomnia (In a Writing Mood)

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Well, I should be sleeping, or at least trying to sleep, but I am in a writing mood, so you get to hear my random thoughts from the last couple days.

First, I am kind of excited that I've found my "center" again. I have kind of been losing my focus when it comes to spirituality. Sometimes when you are in ministry, doing church stuff day in and day out, you lose your axis and begin to drift a little bit. I woke up one day and realized that I was "doing" for the sake of doing, which can be a scary thought, because you have a difficult time when you work so hard and can't quite remember the reason why you're busting your tail. 

Here is what centered me: my Dad was talking about some story he read about a "Christian" guy who made a living picketing the funerals of soldiers, holding signs saying "God Hates Fags". There was even an interview with the guys young kids, and they were spitting out the same hateful stuff. It took something like that to kick up my... righteous anger, I guess you would call it...? In any case, I found my center by remembering what I am not, and what I absolutely don't stand for, which reminded me of what I am passionate about: seeing Christ's love in the world in a tangible way, seeing the body of Christ work together to change the perception of Christians as hateful, judgmental idiots. 

I realized that Next Level is exactly where I want to be because they are a people dedicated to giving themselves away. I know that sounds like an ad for Next Level Church, but I have nobody to impress with this writing, no agenda to push. I simply realized that I love what this church stands for, and for this church I will work many tireless, frustrating days as they come (and the good days come as well). This seems especially true and helpful today because it was a flat-out tough day. I am trying to get our campuses set up with nice, high quality video teaching, and right now, everything is frustrating and not working right, and it makes for a very long day. It's great remembering at the end of the day that while I'm tired and worn out, my efforts are not in vain, and the mission is not pointless. 

My second random thought is that I was reminded again tonight of how much I need my family. They keep me grounded and sane. Seriously. Today sucked. It was a bad work day. I decided to go over and hang with my parents, Shawn, and Brit, and it was a beyond excellent decision. Being with them is so much better than being in this house alone. It helps me keep my life in perspective. It helps me remember what is important in the long run. My mother especially helps me with this. On any given bad day, she can be counted on to bring me back to earth and out of my mile-high funk. She talks me down and helps me remember that I am loved, supported, talented, and that if something is going wrong it will only be a matter of time before it is right again. Having people like that in my life is a gift worth more than any price-tag could estimate. If I was counting the biggest tangible blessings that God has given me over the course of my life, my family is undoubtedly at the top of the list. Without them... I shudder to think about where I'd be. I probably owe my life to them.

Lastly, I was thinking while I was driving home last night (and yes, the three thoughts of this post are in backwards chronological order): I have a tough time feeling alone. It was like a 10 minute car ride and I just wanted to talk to someone, anyone... but for once, I decided to resist the urge to call anybody because once I realized how much I felt like I needed some kind of contact, some kind of connection or affirmation, it just made me feel kind of dependent. In the least sob-story way possible, I am forcing myself to be okay with the idea that I could just as easily be single for a while as I could be in some kind of relationship. Basically, I am trying to figure out how to be my own person again, independent of the changing relational tides, floating free in my own sea of identity. That seems like a bad analogy on the surface, a "sea of identity", but there are many times where I do feel like I am bobbing and swaying and floating, trying to figure out who I am seeing in the mirror. I guess the point of this thought is that I am, if only in my mind and the way that I approach my thought life, battening down the hatches and preparing for being single, unattached to another person, free from any relationship. I feel like I need to live my life free of any internal pressure or expectation and simply be content and happy being me, apart from any relationship. Even the thought of actually reaching this point of comfortability inside my own skin is an exciting prospect. I wouldn't call this point in my life, as John Mayer said it, a "quarter-life-crisis", but it has certainly been the most emotionally tumultuous year of my life. I don't have my stuff together a lot of the time. I need to find a new groove, I think.

There is my brain. It feels good to get all that written and out there, even though a blog seems an odd place to vent such thoughts. My hope is always this: maybe by being open about my own life and thoughts and feelings, someone else will feel what David Crowder said so well: "You are not the only one who feels like the only one."


Brandon K said...

"people dedicated to giving themselves away..."

It may sound like a good slogan but in reality I totally agree that this is the True Body of Chirst. I have to constantly remind myself that "It is not about me." Historically I can, and ironically am in the phase of, getting too comfortable with who I am and don't pursue God. I don't do well with "devotions" on a regular basis and am working on it, but it is really when I stop isolating myself and get with other members of the Body when I remember who I really am.

I am in ministry, even if it is in my day-to-day walk with others that share my faith.

-Just another person in a writting mood

Heather Orr said...

Take it from someone who thought they would be single forever...being single AND in ministry is a GIFT. God will bring the perfect person at the perfect time - believe me - and you will be blown away!!!

Miss you, H! And very proud of you!

Anonymous said...

Very familiar with the significant other stand-in phone calls. Friends are great. So great. But everyone seems to have someone don’t they…..There is definitely something to be said for being a happy single person. Suppose I just wanted to say I sympathize.

Being unattached and free has its attractions. I am sure if I was attached then I would find something wrong or difficult in that too…….

Anyway, Props for being so brutally honest in such a public forum. I would never be able to do so but it is nice to feel a little less silly today for not feeling like the “only one”.

-Tania Luna

Britt said...

I love our family too. I am a wreck whenever I have to be home alone. : ) And I don't think Shawn is funnier than you.... don't tell him.

anyways though, this was a great blog. you write a book first then I'll follow.

Robbie said...

freaking awesome & encouraging post bro! Keep em coming...some of us really need words like these...